Federal agents seized $2.4 billion in counterfeit money on Tuesday from a van parked in a lot adjacent to one of a photocopying giant Kinkos’ outlets. Said one unnamed source, “We received a tip yesterday evening and found this vehicle when we arrived here on scene. Inside are 40 boxes cleverly marked ‘Fed Ex Sat Delivery’ in an attempt to disguise the bogus cash as legitimate commerce. Luckily, whoever was supposed to pick up the stash was late.”

Presidential hopeful Howard Dean took a break from his “God, Gays, & Guns” tour in Winston-Salem to chide DNC Chairman Terry McAuffle for not taking the other presidential candidates out to the woodshed for a woopin’. Says Dean, “…they’re picking on me and that’s not nice.”

After Mayor Bloomberg (R/D?) quipped that those wishing to join in New York’s traditional New Years celebration in Times Square should come on down “…and leave the worrying to the professionals,” crowds are expected to reach new highs. Said one would-be party-goer, “I’m not sure how a professional worrier will make things safer, but if Mayor Mike says it’s so, I believe him!” The reveler then downed the remainder of a bottle of Jack Daniels and wandered off into the crowd.

Not sure how overnight mail and late night photocopying tie together in the great M&A scheme of things, but at $2.4 Billion, let’s hear it for Kinkos.

Meat packers are recalling nearly 5 TONS of meat because of the one diagnosed case of Mad Cow Disease last week. Five TONS from one cow!! That would make it almost as HUGE as General Tso’s chicken which, as we all know, is STILL being served at restaurants worldwide!

Just in Time for Christmas Dept.: For those who truly have everything (like Bill) comes the Snow Globe USB mouse. Santa can surf the web and fight the snow as your wrist shakes rattles and rolls the snow to a festive flurry. Yule!

Alice loves Go to My PC for those moments far away when you realize that that crucial document is on your home machine. She also loves Citrix for accessing office apps remotely. Wonder what the odds are that both will thrive combined?

After ravaging England and parts of Europe, has Mad Cow disease come to the United States? One cow in Washington state was diagnosed with the deadly ailment. Agriculture officials said their first clue was that the animal couldn’t walk to the slaughter house, effectively dead cow stumbling. Why the animal was slaughtered at that point is still a mystery to many with functional brains. The farmer who owned the cow had an alternative idea. “Being here in Washington state, we use a Microsoft Windows XP driven computer to control our milking stations. I distinctly remember that morning. The computer crashed in the middle of the milking cycle, causing the milker to operate at 5 times its normal speed. Well, I reckon old Bessy never did get over that.”